I just finished reading Dave Pelzer's "A Child Called it and The Lost Boy." It was about a boy that was severely abused, was taken out it & put into foster care. I know that there was some abuse of me as a child but how much is a mystery. I seemed to have repressed most of my childhood. The part that got me in these books was the point he keep saying all he wanted was to be loved. Such a human desire that most people really don't understand because they grew up with it do a large degree.
But, just the reading of wanting to be loved makes me want to cry. I soon as I read this words I feel an empty pit inside me that usually is almost none existent. Which is how I feel most of the time, none existent. It's like that to everyone that I am barely really here. Most of the time it feels that even family can walk right by me and not even notice that I am here.
Vicki is the only person in my life that usually let's me know that I am a real person. I get hurt when her drug addiction kicks in and she leaves. My son can also make me feel real and I that we both have a connection because of his mother. To be loved means to be a real person.
So, what exactly is love? Acceptance is a large part of love. Acceptance that says that you matter just because you are you. Noticing things about someone feels with out having to be told. Most people I know don't mean it when they ask me "How are you?" I no longer ask that unless I want to know. I have one friend, name Caren, that calls me just to chat with me. I don't have to do anything and it makes me feel cared for. Even though she is calling to talk and does most of it :) I know that she is checking up on me. I have a few friends that I can just call and talk to without needing answers.
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