Envying what others has more to do with emotional things than material. Material has never been a big thing for me because I know that they can be replaced. However, it impossible to really replace emotional things. There is no item that could ever replace the feeling of love. Acceptance is something that really only comes from others.
This envy seems to have a partner named resentment. I read that resentment is a vicious type of self-pity. There is an emotion that I am quite familiar with. Self-pity learns how to disguise itself as something else. Is it really self-pity that says "Why don't I get calls like everyone else?" Wow, maybe it's not really self-pity disguising itself as much as it is envy.
Envy, "As iron is eaten by rust, so are the envious consumed by envy —Livy." I think that this is worse thing that I learned because of the abuse as child. Physical and emotional with neglect is the worst; because, it can be done when the abuse is present as away. You see others with what looks like lots of friends and those that you hang out with aren't really friends. The part that make this the most dangerous is the fact that you can never get any proof one way or the other.
Prince Caspian story reminds me of this issue.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Wanting to be loved 1
"The Beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them." Thomas Merton: No Man Is an Island
I just finished reading Dave Pelzer's "A Child Called it and The Lost Boy." It was about a boy that was severely abused, was taken out it & put into foster care. I know that there was some abuse of me as a child but how much is a mystery. I seemed to have repressed most of my childhood. The part that got me in these books was the point he keep saying all he wanted was to be loved. Such a human desire that most people really don't understand because they grew up with it do a large degree.
But, just the reading of wanting to be loved makes me want to cry. I soon as I read this words I feel an empty pit inside me that usually is almost none existent. Which is how I feel most of the time, none existent. It's like that to everyone that I am barely really here. Most of the time it feels that even family can walk right by me and not even notice that I am here.
Vicki is the only person in my life that usually let's me know that I am a real person. I get hurt when her drug addiction kicks in and she leaves. My son can also make me feel real and I that we both have a connection because of his mother. To be loved means to be a real person.
So, what exactly is love? Acceptance is a large part of love. Acceptance that says that you matter just because you are you. Noticing things about someone feels with out having to be told. Most people I know don't mean it when they ask me "How are you?" I no longer ask that unless I want to know. I have one friend, name Caren, that calls me just to chat with me. I don't have to do anything and it makes me feel cared for. Even though she is calling to talk and does most of it :) I know that she is checking up on me. I have a few friends that I can just call and talk to without needing answers.
I just finished reading Dave Pelzer's "A Child Called it and The Lost Boy." It was about a boy that was severely abused, was taken out it & put into foster care. I know that there was some abuse of me as a child but how much is a mystery. I seemed to have repressed most of my childhood. The part that got me in these books was the point he keep saying all he wanted was to be loved. Such a human desire that most people really don't understand because they grew up with it do a large degree.
But, just the reading of wanting to be loved makes me want to cry. I soon as I read this words I feel an empty pit inside me that usually is almost none existent. Which is how I feel most of the time, none existent. It's like that to everyone that I am barely really here. Most of the time it feels that even family can walk right by me and not even notice that I am here.
Vicki is the only person in my life that usually let's me know that I am a real person. I get hurt when her drug addiction kicks in and she leaves. My son can also make me feel real and I that we both have a connection because of his mother. To be loved means to be a real person.
So, what exactly is love? Acceptance is a large part of love. Acceptance that says that you matter just because you are you. Noticing things about someone feels with out having to be told. Most people I know don't mean it when they ask me "How are you?" I no longer ask that unless I want to know. I have one friend, name Caren, that calls me just to chat with me. I don't have to do anything and it makes me feel cared for. Even though she is calling to talk and does most of it :) I know that she is checking up on me. I have a few friends that I can just call and talk to without needing answers.
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